Here's an older concept of mine, that plays on the wide availability of wireless drivers and ndiswrapper. Why not take the two, have a script that runs a dmidecode to determine system stats, then set up ndiswrapper correctly? It's hideous in its current form, but it can be refined and even lightened with the right review practices.
(Developer's Note: It's MONSTROUS, and I mean Frankenstein-style GROTESQUE. It's only designed to work with my system right now, and it needs to be saved as ndismart in order to function properly. Woe be unto he who runs this script without a Broadcom card.)